Friday, December 30, 2011

The Three Most Beautiful Words at Christmas-time...


"No assembly required"

I have a wonderful son. He knew his mom needed a new desk chair, so that's what he got me for Christmas.

He was already here, in my apartment, waiting for us when my mother and I arrived after church on Christmas Eve. I was so happy to see him you have no idea. He only lives about 45 minutes-ish away, but I don't see him anywhere near as often as I would like. He's grown into such an interesting person - I really enjoy spending time with him. But I digress.

I turned off the crockpot that had the roast cooking in it and put the cheesy-mashed potatoes I'd made that morning in the microwave to reheat. Then we sat down to exchange gifts. I couldn't help but notice the box (somewhat bigger than the size of a large window fan) on the floor near where he was sitting, covered by the blanket I usually keep on the couch. He said that it was for me, so I got up and pulled the blanket off the box. It was the new desk chair I wanted, albeit unassembled. It's actually a lot more comfortable than the one I had on my amazon wish list. Oops. I digress again.

So after I hugged him & kissed him, thanking him for his thoughtful gift, I said (only half joking), "you're going to put it together for me before you leave, right?"

He grinned his mischievous, little-boy-melts-your-heart-grin and said, "nah, you can do it!"

Getting into the spirit of things I raised my arm a-la Rosie the Riveter and said, "yeah! I can do it! I am woman, hear me roar!" (sometimes even I can't believe the things that come out of my mouth) I figured that it came with instructions, and if I got stuck somewhere I could always call my friend, Debbie, who lives upstairs, to help me get unstuck. No problem. (ha!)

Fast forward five days to yesterday. I finally got around to opening the box to put the chair together. At this point though, my bravado had pretty much vanished, and all I could think about was the lamp I tried to rewire a few months ago with what looked like a fairly simple kit I bought at Walmart that came with easy, detailed instructions (including pictures!) and I still couldn't do it. (Hi. My name is Lauren and I'm chronically instructions-challenged.) I only got about half of it done and Debbie had to come to my rescue, God bless her. (oh, and the half I did, I did wrong)

Still, I figured I had to try, so I opened the box and started pulling parts out. As I laid pieces on the floor I could feel my eyes bugging out of my head. "I'm supposed to put this together? Yeah. Right." Now to someone who knows what they're doing I'm sure putting something like that together isn't a big deal at all. But to me, it could have been the engine of a car spread out on my floor for all the sense it made to me. I know that dealing with a Fibromyalgia flare-up greatly contributed to my feeling so overwhelmed, but I'm still not proud of what I did next.

I texted Frank.

Having talked to him a couple of days ago (we got an offer on our house, which I have mixed emotions about) I had told him what Kevin got me for Christmas, so he already knew I was going to attempt to put it together. And when I expressed my dismay upon opening the box, he offered to stop by and put it together for me. I'm not going to lie and say that I accepted his offer just because I really wanted to be able to use my new chair today. (sure, I did, but we all know that's not the only reason) Yes, seeing him hurts (although I’ve been surprised to discover that it hurts a little less now than it used to), but I still want/feel the need to see him. I know I probably shouldn't have texted him at all, or I should have thanked him and said I'll ask Debbie to help me try to figure it out this weekend, but hey, I'm human. And when I'm exhausted and feeling needy and vulnerable because Fibro is kicking my butt, I have more weak moments than usual. Although I'm finally starting to get into the groove of my new life (and actually enjoy it sometimes), I still miss him terribly. He's been my best friend for almost 20 years, you know?

So anyway, Frank came over after he got out of work and had the chair put together in about 15 minutes. It is SO comfortable! It feels much better than the old, broken one I'd been using. (thank you, Kevin!) I'm very grateful that Frank's not like those guys that suddenly grow huge chips on their shoulders and treat their soon-to-be former wives like crap simply because they don't want to be married to them anymore. He's been very kind and has made it clear that he still wants to be my friend when I'm ready for that, and he's made himself available to me if I ever need him.

Still, as appreciative as I am, I don't like needing to be 'rescued' in this way. I'd like to be able to handle something like this on my own next time. So that means I am in need of 'how to read and follow instructions' lessons. Volunteers? Anyone? Anyone? (Bueller? Bueller?)


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Start Spreading the News

I am leaving today

Well I survived my first Christmas without Frank. I had braced myself for a weekend filled with grief and untold agony, and while I did shed some tears on Christmas morning, overall God blessed me with a weekend filled with love and laughter. To that end, if I’ve neglected to mention lately that I have the best family and friends on the planet - please allow me to correct that oversight right now. I have the best family and friends on the planet! (The best, Jerry! The best!)

I want to be a part of it
New York, New York

On Christmas Eve during the day I saw some friends for a bit then spent a few hours with a couple of my aunts and uncles, a few of my cousins, and some extended family members (lots of fun!). Later, I met my mom at church for Christmas Eve service and after that we went back to my place where we had dinner with my son, Kevin, opened some presents, and after Kevin left my mom and I watched our favorite Christmas movie. ("Christmas in Connecticut" - the Barbara Stanwyck version) I went to bed with a smile on my face. After the 11:00 a.m. service ended on Christmas day, I called my friend Eileen from the car. I had a gift for her and her husband, Steve, and I wanted to drop it off but they had a house full of Eileen’s family from New York for the weekend, as well as Steve’s mom, so I wanted to be sure everyone was up before I rang the doorbell. She told me everyone was up, so I headed on over.

These vagabond shoes
They are longing to stray

First, I want to be very clear about this: I honestly did not intend to stay. (I left my purse in the car for pete’s sake!) I wasn’t even going to go inside the house, but Eileen held the door open and told me to just come in and say hi to everyone. Well, ok. I guess I can come in and say hi. I said hello to both moms and Eileen’s brother, Jimmy, and sister-in-law, Cleo, in the living room, and we found Eileen’s brother, Michael, in the kitchen with Steve, where he was getting dinner ready to go in the oven.

Right through the very heart of it
New York, New York

Steve and Eileen opened their gift and tried to entice me into staying with a slice of one of Michael’s pies. (they invited me to stay a couple of times after I came in, but I politely declined because I was feeling emotional and just wanted to go home to be alone and cry)  However I quickly caved on the pie and ate a small piece standing in the kitchen with my coat on. I still did not intend to stay. Now as to what happened next, I’m a little fuzzy on some of the details. I’m thinking that when the chocolate pecan pie hit my system (yes, c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e p-e-c-a-n p-i-e!!!), I enjoyed it so much that it created an endorphin rush which slammed headlong into the sugar high, which in turn caused a chain chemical reaction that made it impossible for me to say ‘no’ when they asked me again to stay. I do remember making Steve promise that if I took my coat off, he’d let me help in the kitchen. When I took my coat off Eileen whisked it away, so I rolled my sleeves up and asked him what I could do, and Steve said, “Um, well nothing really.”

I want to wake up in that city
That doesn’t sleep

Mmm hmm. In other words, Michael’s pies are dangerous. They should all have warning labels on them. “Caution – eating this pie may result in temporarily taking leave of your senses”. Oh, and watch out for Steve. He's tricky. Very, very tricky. To redeem him a bit though, I was eventually able to help a little. Several hours later (they held me hostage for over 10 hours!) I had the opportunity to help clean up after the big, formal, sit-down dinner that evening. That made me feel marginally better. That and playing "Pictionary Man". What a riot! (Eileen, Jimmy, Cleo and Alisha were all pretty good at it, but I think Matt and Lance emerged as the Pictionary Man kings of the day)

And find I’m king of the hill
Top of the heap

You know, I discovered something very interesting this Christmas. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “you learn something new every day.” Right? Well I learned TWO new things. I think it’s pretty safe to say that it’s common knowledge that New Yorkers in general are supremely arrogant when it comes to two things in particular.Their bagels and their pizza. Having been close friends with Steve & Eileen for almost two decades, I have to say I always thought their insistence that they haven’t found any really GOOD bagels or pizza here in Massachusetts in the entire time they’ve been living here (over 15 years!) to be rather silly. I truly thought it was all in their heads.

My little town blues
They are melting away

So when I was offered an authentic, made-in-a-New-York-bakery bagel, I jumped at the chance to try one. Well… let me tell you something. IT’S NOT IN THEIR HEADS. Oh. My. God. They have officially ruined all other bagels for me. (Thanks a lot, guys!) On the plus side though, I will now be able to go to my grave finally knowing exactly what a bagel is supposed to taste like. (So, thanks, guys!)

I’m gonna make a brand new start of it
In old New York

I didn’t actually try the pizza until the next day, however. Eileen sent a piece home with me and I had it for lunch. I warmed it through in the toaster oven – not the microwave. (I remember asking if I could reheat it in the microwave and four of them said very quickly, at the same time, “No! Use the oven!”) New Yorkers are so funny.

If I can make it there
I’ll make it anywhere

I'm sure you've already guessed that my reaction to the slice of authentic New York Sicilian pizza was the same as my reaction to the bagel. I’m mad at them now. I've always loved pizza and they’ve ruined it for me! Not that I’ll never eat it again or anything, but it just won’t be the same. When I spoke to Eileen the day after Christmas to report on how I liked (loved! drooled over!) the pizza, her next words struck terror into my heart. “Do you like falafel? Because we can ruin falafel for you too.” Good God!

It’s up to you
New York, New York

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A clarification to something in my last post (otherwise entitled, "Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run")

I wanted to clarify something I wrote in my last post. This is prompted by a couple of concerned comments/questions in a couple of e-mails I received tonight.

When I wrote: "Now I’m not letting him off the hook here," etc. I wasn't saying that I'm not letting go of Frank. I HAVE let him go. That is why this is all so excruciatingly painful. If I were delusional, harboring hope that we will somehow get back together, I wouldn't be in nearly as much pain. (Um, is it too late to go that route?)

I love Frank very much and a part of me always will. But for my own sanity, for my own peace of mind, I've had to let him go and look to my future. When I said that I'm not letting him off the hook I was talking about his being responsible for the divorce. I am guilty of many things: among them being pigheaded (Who? ME? No way!), having the wrong attitude sometimes, and not having been the helpmate I should have been - but he is the one who made the choice to end our marriage. That's what I meant - I wasn't saying that I'm not letting go of him. So please don't worry about me, ok? I'm not delusional. In fact I think I'm seeing things more clearly now than I ever have.

Ok. That's it for the 'heavy' stuff for tonight. I'll try to lighten things up a bit for next time. :)

 

You've Got to Know When to Hold 'em, Know When to fold 'em...

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” Unknown
Frank told me he wanted a divorce one year ago today. Looking back to last year, I really and truly did not think I would survive this. I thought my life was over. The love of my life just flat out didn’t/ doesn’t want me anymore. I’m not… enough. I can’t think of too many things more damaging to one’s self-esteem than that.
But you know something? Since I cut off communication with him a couple of months ago (I had to – we get along great but it was just too painful), I’ve discovered something about myself. I LIKE ME. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have my faults just like everyone else, but that’s the point I was missing for so long. I have faults just like everyone else -- not worse than everyone else. I may have had a problem with my temper once-upon-a-time, but God healed me of that several years ago. The sad thing about that is for the last several years I allowed myself to be so consumed by guilt I completely lost who I was. God had forgiven me, Frank said he forgave me, but I couldn’t forgive me. Most of the time I put my own wants, needs, and desires aside in favor of Frank’s. He never asked that of me or acted like he expected it, I just felt I owed it to him to make his life as easy as I could after causing so much turmoil in our home for so long. So I had myself paying some kind of weird penance to make up for all the years I was a raving lunatic, and as a result I grew more and more depressed (although, hindsight being 20/20, I know neglecting my relationship with God played a major part in the growing depression as well).
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.” Unknown
So although it wasn’t intentional, I was being dishonest – Frank didn’t really know who I was.  Heck, I didn’t even know who I was. Now I’m not letting him off the hook here, when God said, “a husband must not divorce his wife” (1 Co. 7: 11) He didn’t say anything about a special dispensation for husbands who feel like they made a mistake and aren’t in love with their wives. On the contrary, God says that His grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Co. 12:9).
Anyway, I’m finally finding me – for the first time really. Seeing myself through God’s eyes instead of through my own guilt has made a huge difference in how I feel about yours truly. He loves me. Let me say that again. The Sovereign, Omnipotent Creator of the universe, El Shaddai, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Great I Am, Abba Father, Most High God – loves me. ME. I am worth dying for.  I am worth dying for.
"It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him."  Abraham Lincoln

So… a year after D-day and I’m surviving. Who’da thunk it? (not me!) My family (especially my mom & my sister, Gretchen), my friends (with a special nod to Debbie, Sonya, Eileen, and Mike), all of my co-workers, as well as Nick Soutter and Dan Pearce, all of you keep me laughing. Many thanks & much love to all!
 “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”  Bill Cosby

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Blah, blah, blah... writing.


"There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."   -- Walter Wellesley
Writing has been very difficult – next to impossible really – for the past several months. What used to be a joy, something that came naturally and that I needed to do (akin to breathing), has become tedious – something I force myself to do lest I forget how much I’ve always loved doing it. I sit and look at a blank page or screen, once filled with such promise, and now get absolutely nothing. While every writer experiences writer’s block at some point in their lives, this degree of ‘blockage’ has never happened to me before – and for such an extended length of time. Writing has always been an outlet for me. Whether I’m angry, sad, happy, or somewhere in between all three – I write. I’ve been doing this since I was about 9 years old, so not being able to do it is more frustrating and heartbreaking than I can begin tell you.  This forced separation from my husband has me feeling like I’ve had a limb ripped off, and my inability to write my way through it makes me feel as though I’ve lost another one.
Exasperated, I finally said something about this problem to my writer’s workshop teacher, and he told me to write for 10 minutes a day. Could be anything, he said. A letter to my soon-to-be-former husband (which I never have to send), a letter to God, a description of how much I hate it when my writing teacher emails me and gets on my butt about writing.… anything. Just be present. So after weighing my options I decided to pick up this blog again. And what better way to start than by writing about my inability to write?
The funny thing is (and I’m so amazed that I can find something funny in anything these days but, miracle of miracles, my sense of humor seems to have remained fairly intact) I really have a lot to say. So many thoughts pass through my head clearly enough, but when I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and try to retrieve them, it’s like reaching blindly into the bottom of a deep, dark hole in a giant, old tree. You never know what you’ll come out with (if you come out with anything at all).
The can’t-write-to-save-my-life affliction aside, I’ve neglected this blog for the last several months because when I created it I really wanted to be able to capture the lighter side of this new journey I’m on. But although God has been blessing my socks off every time I turn around, the sad fact of the matter is that no matter how friendly things may be between me and my soon-to-be former husband, reality has set in hard and there really hasn’t been very much lighter side to write about.
Yet.
There’s a saying that it’s always darkest before the dawn. If so, my sunrise must be very close. (I hope! I hope!) Ah, another miracle - I still have hope. Hope for my future. But I’ll get to that at a later date.
In the interest of ending this on a more positive note, I have to say that in spite of the fact that this is the most excruciating thing I’ve ever endured (and much to my surprise, I am enduring!) there are definite bright spots.
So I’m going to start a list of these bright spots (which I will add to as the Spirit moves me) and when I’m stuck for something to write about I’ll just pick one and write about it.

My Bright Spots (after numbers 1 and 2, the rest are in no particular order):
1)      I now have a closer, stronger relationship with God than I ever thought possible.
2)      I have been blessed with peace which surpasses all understanding in the midst of more soul shredding anguish than one person should ever have to experience.
3)      I get occasional brief glimpses of the (albeit dim at the moment) light at the end of the tunnel, so I know it is there – somewhere.
4)      Kevin & Jill, Mom, Gretchen, Justen & Susan, Kim & Daddy, and the rest of my family.
5)      Debbie, Eileen & Steve, Mike & Sue, Denise, Fran, and Margaret & Glenn – the family of my heart.
6)      Judy, Bruce, Susan, Danielle, Lynne, and the rest of my Divorce Care group.
7)      My job at the College and all of the wonderful people I work with.
8)      Sandi & Tim and the rest of the Gunderclan, Brian & Sandi, Feather, Kare Bear, Andy (girls, we need to come up with a good nickname for Andy!), Tootsie-pop, Nathan & Trish, Diana & InQ, Casey, Lisa S, Draco & Perseus, Meg, Kathy, Colleen, Denise L, Lisa C, Sonya, Sharon, Noreen,  Diane and Kat & Jazz, Sue Drew, and Manny (Taco! Taco!) - among others. 
9)      Pastor Tom Curtis and everyone that goes to Holden Chapel – my church family means everything to me.
10)   Barbara, my therapist.
11)   Nick Soutter, my teacher at the writers workshop I attend.
12)   The Worcester Animal Rescue League and all of the awesome people I’ve met there, but especially the pooches that fill a dog-sized hole in my life.
13)   My apartment – while small and not without its challenges, it’s also safe, cozy, and starting to feel like home.
14)   The members of Frank’s family who have left the door open to a relationship with me when I feel like I’m (emotionally) ready.

This is by no means a complete list, so I will add to it from time to time as things come to mind.

 “I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.  -- Oscar Wilde

All of this to say “I’m back!” and plan to update on a regular basis. I’m not going to lock myself into a box as far as the kind of entries I’ll post however. I’m just going to be honest about where I’m at. I may be feeling silly, serious, lifted so high I have to look down to see Heaven, or lower than the underbelly of a rattlesnake… I’m just going to be real. If you’re open to that, you’re welcome to follow me on my journey to healing.
Blessings to you!


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"No News is Good News." Really? (I hope so!)

After months of job hunting, sending out COUNTLESS cover letters and resumes, going on quite a few interviews (having left with the impression that I nailed each one), a friend tipped me off a couple of weeks ago to a job opening at his place of employment (a private college not too far from my new apartment). Figuring there was NO way I could ever get it, I figured I'd apply anyway. Couldn't hurt, right? The worst they can do is say "no", and I've gotten pretty used to that.

However, a couple of days after submitting a cover letter and resume, I received a phone call. They wanted me to come in for an interview. Quite frankly I was shocked (given the stature of the College), but I figured they were probably bringing me in merely because they think highly of my friend. Determined to do him proud, I went to the interview and put my best foot forward. While there, I found to my surprise, that I felt very comfortable. The atmosphere was professional yet friendly, and I genuinely liked the people I met with. So much so I found myself praying, asking God if just maybe this could please be the one for me, but afraid to hope for such a thing at the same time.

Later, the day of my interview, I had just come home, sent off a "thank you for the interview" e-mail, kicked off my shoes and collapsed on the couch when the phone rang. It was the woman who had called me about the interview. She apologized for the request being so last minute, but she wondered if I could come back the next day to meet with HR and the President of the College. After setting things up, I pulled up information on the College President on the internet. Wow. He is VERY impressive and I was a little nervous about meeting with him. Here was this guy with all sorts of degrees and experience in advanced educational settings. What could I, a simple housewife and mother, possibly say to him to make myself stand out from the other applicants? (to the best of my knowledge, he was meeting with all four of the potential candidates for the position)

Deciding that the best course of action was to just be myself and hope that was enough, that's what I did. I went in there and answered the questions he put to me honestly. However, even after reminding myself that he puts his pants on one leg at a time like everyone else, I was still a teensy bit nervous from the moment I walked into his office. (he is rather awe inspiring) I actually drew a blank when he asked me what book I'm currently reading! (I remembered the author's name, but not the book title - good grief! Who does that?)

So anyway, one of the three women I interviewed with told me on the side that it was unanimous - that I was their first choice. (I was so stunned and humbled that I almost broke down crying on the spot.) But this was before my meeting with the President of the College, so I don't know if my meeting with him helped me or hurt me. They were supposed to have called my references at the end of last week (one of my references informed me that she was called, but I haven't heard anything from any of the others) and they're conducting a (criminal) background check. That was supposed to have been started last Wednesday afternoon. It's now Tuesday again. (how long does a CORI check take? I have no clue.) My first interview was a week ago today. If I get the job I'm supposed to go into HR at noon tomorrow to do paperwork so I'll get my first paycheck on time, and my first day will be Monday, June 20th. That's "if" I get the job.

So far, there's been no word either way. (and I'm constantly checking my "business" e-mail account for a "Dear Lauren, thank you for applying, but..." e-mail) If I don't get the job, I start job hunting again in earnest on Monday morning so I'm going to spend my lunch break on Monster.com today. (I'm painting furniture, sorting and packing for the move to my new apartment on Saturday. Egad! So. Much. Work.)

I got incredibly excited about a job I applied for a couple of months ago (see the entry: "Running with Scizzors") and was absolutely devastated when they hired someone so quickly that I didn't even get a chance to interview. I can't let that happen again. I simply don't have the emotional resources right now to withstand another severe letdown like that. Hear that, self? No excitement this time! So as much as I would LOVE this job, unless I actually get a job offer, I'm just going to assume I didn't get it. I know that sounds cynical, but I think I'm being practical. There's nothing I can do about it either way. I did my best and now it's out of my hands. All I can do is just pray that if this is the job for me, I'll get it. If not, I have to believe there's something better out there for me. It's hard to imagine a better job than this one, (and there's no way I could find better people to work with!) but I have to believe.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Oscar Wilde said that 'work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.' Apparently God thinks I have better things to do.

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." -- Confucius
I’m trying, Confucius, I’m trying!
Good grief, but job hunting is brutal. BRUTAL, I tell you! I have even gone for an interview for a part time retail position for $8.00 an hour (RETAIL!) and wasn’t called back with a job offer. And when I say ‘part-time’ I mean fluctuating anywhere between 8 – 20 hours per week. Yeah. That’d be lucrative. Still, the no-call-back thing didn’t do much for my already low, kicked-in-the-teeth, thwacked-on-the-head-repeatedly-with-a-bag-of-rocks self-esteem.
Now don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with retail, but come on. It doesn’t take a flipping Master’s Degree to sell craft supplies to hordes of frenzied women who’d think nothing of trampling each other to death to be first in line to fill their shopping carts with 12x12 sheets of scrapbooking paper on sale for twenty-five cents apiece, or skeins of Red Heart Yarn on sale for $1.99 each to appease their latest, crafters version of G.A.S. (that’s “Gear Acquisition Syndrome” for all of you who don’t speak musician-ese) Not only am I incredibly bright (and exceptionally humble, as we’ve already established) but I’ve been a crafter/scrapbooker for many years. The only thing I can possibly think of that could have made the woman decide against me is that I’ve never used the Cricut machine. (It's a scrapbooking tool.) Come on, really? Everything else was very positive and we got along great. Or so I thought. *sigh* Ah… whatever. I didn’t really want to work there anyway. *blows raspberry*
Honestly, for someone who likes to change decor as often as I do (which translates to switching out accessories at an alarming rate) if I’m going to work retail, I’d MUCH rather work at Pier 1. I can’t think of a better place to get an employee discount! (please ignore the drool dripping down my chin) I just discovered there’s a position open in a nearby store, so I applied. I got a form e-mail this morning thanking me for my interest in Pier 1, letting me know they’d review my resume and would contact me within the next two weeks if they’re interested in interviewing me.

However I have an interview in the morning at Rotmans for part time office help, so even though I know I’d love the perks of working at Pier 1, if I had a choice between the two I’d rather get the office job. In addition to the fact that working in an office is the way I'd rather go career-wise, the hours are perfect. (M- F 9:00 am to 2:00 pm)  With those hours I’d be able to put in an hour and a half to two hours every afternoon in the Animal Rescue League office after getting out of work, and I wouldn’t be too tired to put in some major volunteer time on the weekends too. Win/win/win. (“Ask yourself, "If all jobs paid $2 an hour, what job would I want to do?" When you answer that question, start doing it, even if you have to do it for free at first” --Greg Aldrik)
Argh! For the love of friggin’ corn, I just need someone to take a chance on me! No, I haven’t had a job in a while (my husband has been supporting us), but I’m warm, friendly, smart, quick on the uptake, cute as a button (right? I’m cute! Say I’m cute!), and any business’d be lucky to have me. Seriously though, I think I’d be a great addition to any business/office. I get along great with pretty much anyone and work very well with others. (There’s no “I” in “team”, folks! Rah-rah-sis-boom-bah!) I’m moving into my own apartment in a month, so needless to say, I’m praying like a crazy person and sending out resumes left and right.
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." -- Milton Berle

Hmm…

Where did I put that hammer?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Dancing Leads to Self Discovery (Get it? Dancing LEADS? Ha!)

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.  ~Dave Barry

And so I did.

I went to hear Frank's band on Friday night. At one point late in the evening I was standing next to a couple of girlfriends and swaying a bit to the music, when a young man (not bad looking either!) came up and started dancing with me. He took my hand and asked me to join him on the dance floor and I thought, "oh, what the heck?" (Is it really a 'dance floor' though if it's carpeted? Humph. We'll have to explore that question in a separate blog post.)

Anyway, I danced with him. I have to say he was a REALLY good dancer. He had me spinning all over the place and he kept me from losing my balance at the same time (not an easy feat with my vestibular/middle ear issues). But after two songs I was hot and my left knee was feeling a little sore, so I just needed to sit and sip my drink for a bit. Apparently though this guy (I'd put him in his mid-late twenties at the oldest) seemed to think that dancing through two songs meant we're going steady. He hovered over me for awhile, wanting me to go back on the dance floor. I told him nicely (more than once) that I really needed to sit, and I pulled my friend Lisa down on the seat next to me and when he finally nodded, smiled, and walked away, thought that would be the end of it.

No such luck. He came back two minutes later when Lisa got up from the seat and a new song started. He leaned in toward me, cupped his hand around the side of my head (a very intimate gesture - TOO intimate considering the circumstances, I think) and said something (music was loud) and nodded to the dance floor. I had a set list in front of me so I knew when they were going to play the songs I liked to dance to, so I told him nicely I'd dance to a couple of songs next set but right then I needed to sit. He wandered back to his friends, and since Lisa hadn't come back to the table (she was weirded out by his hovering) I got up and went over to the table where my son and his girlfriend were sitting with a bunch of their friends, about halfway across the room.

Standing near their table, I parked myself between two of the guys, one of whom Kevin had been friends with since he was a kid and who I think of as one of my 'honorary kids'. I told him I was hiding out from the guy I had been dancing with and asked him to run interference if he saw him hanging all over me again. He told me he had my back. (such good boy!)

At that point I saw the guy get up and look at the booth where I'd been sitting, then he started heading in my general direction. I deliberately looked right at my son's friend, smiling at him while listening to him talk about his girlfriend, and even gave him a hug for good measure. (I know, I'm just a big old coward.) The guy hesitated for a split second as he passed in front of me, but he kept walking. I think he left then because I didn't see him for the rest of the night. (Whew!) When my son danced with me to one of my favorite songs a little while later, I was amused to discover that he hadn't noticed me dancing with the guy at all. There were only a couple of other people on the floor when we were dancing, so I don't know how he could've missed us. His conversation must've been pretty interesting!

I figured the guy must be drunk (why else would he want to hang all over me?) but he really didn't look or act drunk. Maybe he had a drink or two earlier and that loosened him up a bit, but he really did seem to be in full possession of his faculties. He obviously didn't notice my wedding rings, (no, I haven't taken them off yet - I am still married after all) so maybe at first he thought I was a cougar then was disappointed to find I wasn't on the prowl after all. Maybe? Ah, I don't know. It doesn't really matter.

Dancing is just discovery, discovery, discovery.  ~Martha Graham

The guy made me a little uncomfortable, but I'm grateful too because I discovered something. I discovered that I am not anywhere near ready to be in another man's arms - even casually just for a dance or two. I'd feel differently if it were a family member or a long-time friend and there was no pressure or worry about his intentions. But barring a scenario like that, I realized I need to just keep within my comfort zone. And my comfort zone is practically shouting at me, "Don't. Don't force yourself to do something you're uncomfortable doing just because you feel you need to 'prove' that you're ok with everything that's happening. Because you're not ok with it and you don't need to be. What you need to do is just be true to yourself and the people that honestly care about you will respect you and your boundaries regardless of whether they agree with you or not." (hmm... my comfort zone is pretty smart)

So that's where I'm at. Not only am I not remotely interested in dating right now, I'm tired of pretending to myself that I'm ok with even thinking about dating. I've been married for eighteen years and the day I married Frank I vowed to God, in the company of our family and friends, that I'd be faithful to him for the rest of my life. That being the case, I don't forsee myself being ok with dating for a good while yet. I have no idea how long it will take, but I won't be rushed. And you know what? I think that's perfectly ok.

Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.  ~Unknown

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Running with Scizzors

“The hair is the richest ornament of women.”   --Martin Luther
I had the most amazing experience last week. I was perusing the ‘receptionist wanted’ ads on one of the job search engines and found one that looked very interesting. The owner of Scizzors Hair Salon in Shrewsbury was advertising for a full time Customer Care Service Provider (front desk receptionist) with “a dazzling personality”, among other qualities. (Yep - that’s me!) The slightly unconventional wording made his fun, gracious personality come through loud and clear, and that really appealed to me so I decided to apply even though I don’t have any experience working in a salon. (I may not have salon experience, however I’ve been a client in many different salons {not to mention that I routinely watch “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover”} so I’m well aware of what to do to make clients feel welcome and comfortable, as well as what NOT to do.)
The day after e-mailing my cover letter and resume, I had the thought that I should check the place out from a client’s perspective. If I didn’t like it I didn’t have to say anything, but if I did, maybe there’d be something I could say to someone that would make me stand out from the pack a bit. Plus I really did need a trim, so the timing was pretty fortuitous.
I called the salon to see if they had any openings for that day or the next. They had two appointments available the following day; a 4:00 pm appointment with Michael, and a 2:45 pm appointment with Bledi. I said that I’d take the 4:00 o’clock with Michael and I gave the woman my information. I was going to hang up then, but something inside nudged me to take the 2:45 appointment. Feeling a bit flaky but wanting to go with my intuition, I asked the woman if I could switch to the 2:45 with Bledi instead. Without missing a beat or making me feel the least bit silly or uncomfortable, she replied warmly, “of course!” and switched my appointment time. Hmm. Very friendly, upbeat and professional.  So far they’re starting out heavily in the plus column. I started getting a little excited about this job opportunity.
It only takes Frank thirty-five minutes to get to work from our house, so I thought that giving myself forty minutes would be plenty of time since they were only a minute or two further up the road from where he works. Unfortunately I didn’t know to take Friday afternoon traffic into account, (plus I swear every single traffic light turned red as I approached!) so I wound up running almost fifteen minutes late. Good grief! Definitely NOT the first impression I wanted to make at a salon where I was hoping to get a job, even though I called from the car to inform them I was going to be late. Knowing I already had one large strike against me with my lack of experience, I was pretty deflated as I approached the building, feeling like I had just added another giant checkmark in the “reasons not to hire Lauren” column. Walking up the steps though, I gave myself a mental shake and said, “You’re not a negative person – don’t let this get you down. Go in there, smile, and show them what you’re made of!”
It’s interesting how the current circumstances in my life have made me more sensitive in my interaction with other people. For example, I’ve become much more aware of the truth to the saying, ‘It takes two to make a smile’. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have gone into a store or restaurant in the past few months and in my initial encounter with one or more employees, my smile was answered back with either a blank, unsmiling expression or a phony, quick, little half-grin they shot back in a failed attempt to appear friendly. So the few times recently that I’ve been on the receiving end of an authentic smile have stood out to me.
Upon opening the door and stepping up into Scizzors, I was met with not one, but two women whose faces beamed “welcome” before the words even came out of their mouths . A happy, relaxed feeling spread through me right then and soothed the butterflies that had been fluttering in my stomach, making my own smile grow brighter in response.
They greeted me warmly, brushing aside all apologies for my tardiness. I was invited to sit while they informed Bledi I had arrived, and was offered coffee, tea, water, or wine while I waited. Although my throat was feeling a bit dry, I politely declined; sure that Murphy’s Law would go into effect since I wanted so much to make a good impression. Instead, I used the time to inspect my surroundings and absorb the atmosphere of the place. The salon was elegant without being pretentious, it was fashionable yet comfortable, very clean, and judging by the looks of the product shelves on the wall opposite the front desk, extremely tasteful and well organized.
Noticing they had quite an assortment of Moroccan Oil products, I got up to see exactly what they had (and if I could afford to get any of them). Money being a bit tight at the moment, I saw that the only thing I’d be able to get that day was the hair spray. I turned to ask one of the ladies at the desk about it. There are no hair products in existence that smell as heavenly as Moroccan Oil does to me, so I wondered if the hair spray smelled the same as the Oil. However, when I turned, standing behind me was a tall, stylish, handsome gentleman that I (correctly) assumed from his bearing was the owner, John Palmieri. Opening my mouth to say, “Hi! I applied for the front desk position you have available!” I said, “Can you tell me if the Moroccan Oil hair spray smells like the Oil itself?” Yeesh! Coward much?
He didn’t present an intimidating figure, nor did he seem as though he were in a great hurry. In fact he was very friendly and answered my question in such a way that I didn’t feel as though I were imposing on his time a bit. Still, I didn’t say anything about applying for the job. (I was feeling a bit tongue-tied right then) He told me to ask Bledi to use that hair spray on me when he was finished with my hair so I could smell it. (He said it smelled like perfume – and it does!)
Almost as soon as I thanked Mr. Palmieri for his help, Bledi came out to bring me back to his chair. Here was another tall, stylish, handsome gentleman and he had one of the warmest smiles I’ve ever seen on a man. His kind, gentle eyes crinkled at the corners as he got me settled into the chair at his station and asked what I was looking to have done with my hair. I explained what I wanted done, as well as the problems I’ve had with the way other hairdressers have interpreted my requests in the past, hoping that by doing so he wouldn’t have the same trouble. Asking intelligent questions while examining my hair, he inspired confidence that here, at last, was a hair stylist who could deliver on my vision. Having gotten that out of the way he said, “And how did you find us?” Oh boy. Well, I was hoping for an opportunity and one was presenting itself. So I took a deep breath and told him I’d applied for the front desk receptionist position.
I’m not sure exactly what I expected, but his reaction had the effects of both surprising me and inducing a mild panic attack. He waved to someone behind me and I turned to see the owner standing with his back to me, working on a client’s hair at another station. I felt my eyes widen as the rest of me froze momentarily and I said, “no, no, no!” to Bledi. He just smiled and said, “Yes!” He waved again and called to Mr. Palmieri to get his attention. When he had it, he said, gesturing to me, “Lauren applied for the Salon Coordinator position.” (I think that’s what he called it) I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Salon Coordinator? That sounds like it would require so much more experience than “Front Desk Receptionist” or even “Customer Care Service Provider”. However, still pretty confident that I’m the right person for the job, I told my doubts and the beginnings of the panic attack to take a flying leap and I chatted with Mr. Palmieri for a couple of minutes. He knew who I was right away when I told him I was the fruit loop who mentioned Tabatha Coffey in my cover letter/email. (Do I know how to stand out or what? The guy got 50 responses but he remembered mine right away – I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or not.)
He told me at the end of our conversation not to take it personally that I didn’t hear back right away;  he’s leaving in forty minutes for the airport to go to Atlanta with his family for the holiday weekend, but he’d be back on Tuesday and he was planning to tackle the resumes next week. It didn’t hit me until later, but if I had taken the 4:00 o’clock appointment I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to speak with him the way I did. I’m really hoping and praying that I made enough of a (positive) impression that despite my obvious lack of experience, he’ll call me in for an interview.  (From my lips to God’s ears!) I honestly believe in my ability to do a fabulous job for them, so all I can do is hope I’m granted the opportunity to tell him that.
After he and I finished chatting and I explained to Bledi about my cochlear implants, I took off my processors and he led me over to the shampoo area. He got me comfortably situated in the chair and ever-so-carefully put my feet up on a stool. Then he proceeded to give me the world’s most incredible scalp massage. Seriously.  I-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-e. I need to add here that I’d had a migraine a few days before. I can’t even remember the last time I had one (I don’t get them often at all) but this one was particularly nasty. Even though it was gone for the most part, I could still feel it hanging around a bit in the background, like it wasn’t entirely certain whether or not it was going away or if it was going to make an unwanted reappearance. Well after Bledi’s scalp massage (which included my neck and the top of my shoulders) the last vestiges of the headache disappeared completely. Ah, bliss!
He shampooed and conditioned my hair after that, then brought me back to his station so he could cut it. Even without my glasses on I could tell that although he was quick, he was also very precise; he checked and double checked to make sure he was keeping the layers and ends even. After he blew my hair dry, I looked at myself in the mirror with astonishment. I looked fantastic! He gave me exactly what I asked for, but it looked even better than I envisioned it. No joke. Better. When I told him this, he looked so pleased I almost started crying. He actually cared whether or not I was thrilled with my hair. Sure, I know it’s his job, but his pleasure in my delight was genuine.
I had a question then about the color of my hair so he called over one of their colorists, Amy, to answer it for me. (I colored it black in October and although much of it has faded and grown out, it’s still darker on the bottom half than on the top half) I’ve never had it colored in a salon, so I didn’t know if it would be easy or even possible to go from a darker color to a lighter one, or what to expect as far as damage to my hair or how much it would cost. Amy very nicely answered my questions to my satisfaction, so as soon as I’m able, I’m going to make an appointment to go in so she can fix my color. (Yippee!)
When I got up from his chair, Bledi told me that someone would call in a few days to make sure there were no problems with my haircut. He said that if there was a problem, I could come in and they’d be happy to take care of it for me. He smiled that warm, engaging smile again and told me he hopes I get the job. (He could have been saying that just to be nice, but I hope he actually meant it – everyone is so genuinely kind, I know that going to work there every day would be a pure joy) When he walked me back up front, he introduced me to the women behind the desk and told them I applied for the job. (I’m ashamed to admit that I was still so entranced from my scalp massage that I didn’t take in their names) We chatted for a minute while I paid for my haircut, and they very sweetly wished me luck with the job. (Again, they could have just said it to be nice, but I would honestly consider it a privilege to work there, so I can’t help hoping their well wishes are genuine.)
I walked in there not feeling especially great about myself (due to the whole “my husband is divorcing me” thing), but I walked out of there feeling cared about and genuinely special. I know they treat all of their clients the same way, but my collective experience with the staff members I interacted with, combined with the cheerful, refined, yet comfortable atmosphere of the salon itself, served to make me feel as though I was their most important client. What a precious gift that is! To have the ability to make people feel so pampered, so special... I want to work there more than ever now. I want to be a part of that. If I could play even a small role in helping others to feel the same way, I’d find my job to be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Doesn’t everyone dream of working a job like that?
When I got in my car I just sat there for a minute, and several tears ran down my face while I basked in the glow of my extraordinary experience. It may sound melodramatic, but truthfully I’m just not used to such kindness from strangers; even if I am paying them for a service. Plus, that kindness was like a balm to my wounded soul. I really needed that.
Whether or not I get the job, they now have a loyal customer in me.


Monday, April 18, 2011

It's a Dog Eat Dog World, and I'm Wearing Milkbone Underwear.

“Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.” –Unknown
You ever have one of those days? (or one hundred twenty-six in a row?) Yeah, me too.
Volunteering at the Worcester Animal Rescue League (WARL) is going to save my sanity, I think. I hope. Today being Patriots Day means Frank had a three day weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with him, but given our present circumstances it can be a little tough to do sometimes. So late Saturday morning I took off to spend some time at WARL. When I’m there, the rest of the world just falls away and I lose myself in doing what I can to help make the dogs’ lives just a little bit better. (I can work with the cats too, but my heart lies with the dogs, so I spend most of my time with them)
Saturday is always their biggest adoption day, so if they need help in the kennels any day of the week, it’s definitely then. There were people in and out of the kennels all day, asking about particular dogs, wanting to take dogs out for walks to try to get to know them a bit, and then there were the people who argued with me. Yep. Argued. Wait ‘til you hear this.
There is a sweet, small, female AmStaff mix named Tuesday up for adoption. She cracks me up - in her kennel she bounces up and down like a Jack Russell Terrier that’s had a few too many Red Bulls. Gosh, if I could bottle and sell half her energy, I’d be a VERY rich woman. But I digress. There's a bio sheet that hangs on each dog’s kennel with a description of their basic personality, known history, along with recommendations (if there are any) about what kind of home would or would not be best for them. (e.g. maybe one needs a home without other dogs or cats, is nervous around lots of people, etc.) Well there was a couple who had seen Tuesday on WARL’s website, fell in love with her pictures, and decided “that’s the dog for us!”
Now I’m not even going to get on my soapbox and start preaching about what a ridiculously idiotic idea it is to make an important decision about which dog you’re going to add to your household (hopefully for the rest of the dog’s life) based on photographs instead of basing the decision on the dog’s personality, whether said dog would fit your lifestyle, and whether or not you and the dog even like each other. (ARGH!) Well anyway, Tuesday was recommended for a home without small children due to her frenetic energy level. Small children are just way too at risk for injury with a dog that is off the wall excited simply being around people.
So this couple was asking about Tuesday. I can’t always remember every detail about every dog, so I quickly scanned her bio sheet. “Due to her high energy level, it is recommended that Tuesday goes to a home without small children.” Each of them had a toddler in their arms and then the woman’s mother walked over with another one! So I had to tell them that I was sorry, but I couldn’t take Tuesday out for them. When I explained why, they argued with me telling me that grandma’s sixty-five pound pitbull is always jumping on the kids and knocking them down, but they just get right back up again and start chasing the dog. (I wanted to whack these folks upside the head with a brick at this point – this is one of the main reasons pitbulls have such a bad reputation! IRRESPONSIBLE OWNERS!!) Sorry, I keep digressing.
Anyway, they stood there insisting quite adamantly that they were in love with Tuesday (based on her looks, mind you) and even though I told them that the dogs are all evaluated by experienced trainers and behaviorists, they simply HAD to have her and that was that. So I had to resort to getting the Dog Adoption Coordinator, who took her turn telling them that they simply could not, in good conscience, go against the trainers advice and adopt her out to a family with small children. (three of them, to boot!) They eventually left looking thoroughly disgruntled with the lot of us, but the important thing is that they left without Tuesday.
I just don’t understand some people. Although this family was definitely the pushiest, I have had to have similar conversations with other people. There was the one I had two weeks ago with the guy who was interested in taking a young Chihuahua mix out for a walk to see if they liked each other (with the intent being he’d adopt her if they did), except that it said RIGHT ON HER KENNEL DOOR that she couldn’t be adopted into a household with a male because she’s terrified of men. Come on now! Seriously? Don’t people read anymore? Yeesh.
So there’s lots of interesting stuff happening down there to provide me with loads of temporary distractions. (Speaking of interesting, I got to play ball with a six month old pittie pup for half an hour that afternoon. Total funfest!)
Frank saw someone a couple of weeks ago wearing a t-shirt with a paw print on it and next to the paw print it said, “Who rescued who?”
I think the dogs at WARL are going to rescue me.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Of Socks and Men

“A man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.” –Jean Kerr

Frank and I both take vitamins every day. It’s easier for us to remember to take them when we put them in those pill containers with the days of the week marked on top of each compartment, and put the containers somewhere in the vicinity of the coffeemaker where we’ll see them every morning. I’ve been filling both mine and Frank’s ever since we started taking them, but yesterday he filled his own. I was standing there in the kitchen talking with him before he left for work, so I watched him do it and it made me feel a little sad. It just reminded me that it’s one of many little wifely things I’ve been doing for him that he’ll soon be doing for himself.
So as not to give in to the melancholy that was sitting on the edge of my awareness threatening to move in and ruin my day, I joked with him about it. I said (in mock awe of his accomplishment), “Wow. So I guess you’re not helpless after all, huh? That’s great! You’ll still be able to take your vitamins after I move out.”
He chuckled and said ah no, he wasn’t helpless, that he was perfectly capable of opening tiny plastic compartments, inserting a pill in each one, and closing the aforementioned compartments.
Then he went on to say something I found quite interesting that I thought might be useful information to pass on to any women out there who may be reading this. (If you haven’t felt inclined to share this blog with your friends, at least copy them on this entry – we really need to spread the word, ladies!)
He said (and I quote), “Guys feign helplessness.”
“Oh, really?” I said.  (Like it was a big surprise or something)
“Yeah,” he went on. “When a guy says, ‘honey, I don’t know where my socks are!’ he’s full of it.” He leveled a serious look at me. “We know where our socks are.”
Ha! So there you have it, girls, right out of the horse’s mouth. Men aren’t anywhere near as helpless as they make themselves out to be. I’m sure each fella’s reasons are different though. Some may know (or think they know) that their woman needs to feel needed, some may like the feeling of being taken care of, while the rest are probably just out-and-out lazy.
However, regardless of their reasons, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s good information to have. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to entertain myself by hiding Frank’s socks. (“Oh come on now. Didn’t you tell me just yesterday that you know where your socks are?”)
I said I’m not being spiteful. I never said I wouldn’t have a little fun.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Life on Planet Htrae*

"Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!" --Bizarro Code

I kind of feel like I live in my own little Bizarro World because the most important events in my life seem to happen backwards.
I wore a bra long before I had anything to put in it.
I left high school, then got my diploma.
I had a baby, then got married.
 When I had my son, my water broke hours before the first contraction.
Frank and I didn’t really get to know each other until after we were married.
(“Hey! Who the heck are you and what are you doing in my wife’s/husband’s body?” Eep! Not the best foot on which to start a marriage.)
Oh, and I eat dessert before the main course. (ok, so I just made that one up - but it sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?)
So continuing the trend, I found an apartment today. I didn’t mean to – it just happened.  Yeesh! I don’t even have a job yet.
 I want the apartment very much though. It’s perfect for me. Not too big, not too small, very nice, clean, bright (bright = happy), the landlords are pleasant and attentive to the premises, the rent is very reasonable (and the rent includes heat!!! VERY important in New England), there’s storage space in the basement, a coin-op washer and dryer on the premises, the location is great - it’s right off the highway and less than 10 minutes from the Animal Rescue League where I plan to spend a lot of my free time, and (this is the best part) one of my all-time closest friends lives in the apartment right upstairs! We’d be able to run up and downstairs in our pj’s! *squee!* (can you say ‘perpetual pajama party’ three times fast?) So I’d have the benefit of having a close friend who has also been through a divorce on hand for extra support, while still enjoying the privacy of my own apartment.  The whole scenario is just chock full of win.
The only drawback (and it’s a rather large one) is that they don’t allow pets. I volunteer at an animal shelter. I am a huge advocate of people saving lives and adopting rescue dogs instead of spending $1,000+ on a purebred puppy, and have been champing at the bit to get a young rescue dog of my own.  As badly as I want a one though, it’s not a deal breaker for me. After seeing the apartment and thinking about it for about two seconds (yes, it’s that nice) I decided it’s more important to be in a nice place where the price is right and I feel comfortable and safe, than in a place where I might need to pay more and don’t feel as comfortable, but can have a dog to feel safe.
Why this deep seated need to get a dog? Well I’m glad you asked! Completely aside from the fact that I’m a dog NUT (unconditional love, butt wiggles every time you walk in the door, face-washing-doggie-kisses, warm- furry- tv-watching-snuggle-companions… what’s not to love?), as a single woman alone, living with a pooch would go a long way to making me feel much safer than I would living by myself. However, I wouldn’t need a dog for safety purposes for the time being if I get this place. My would-be neighbor across the hall is a police officer. Yep, just one more check in the ‘chock full of win’ column. Gee, those are really starting to add up. (I REALLY hope the apartment is still available when I'm ready to move!!)
Speaking of the job I don’t have yet… (well, I was thinking about it at any rate) I’m pretty bummed that I haven't heard back from the place I interviewed at last week.  They must have found someone more qualified for the job. I refuse to entertain the possibility that they simply found someone they like better. I don’t have lots of experience, and we’ve already established that they can’t really know just how intelligent I am or how incredibly hard I’d work for them, so that just leaves my likeability factor.
Oh, that and my fashion sense. I wore simple, sensible, yet not unattractive square-toed black leather flats, black dress pants, a white, grey and black pinstriped blouse, and a black blazer. I wore medium sized plain sterling silver hoop earrings, kept my makeup simple – a little eyeliner, a light hand with the mascara, barely there blush and very light, neutral eye shadow, with a quick swipe of clear lip gloss. My past-shoulder-length hair was down and blown out – simple but stylishly pretty waves framed my face. I smiled, was warm and friendly while being careful not to cross professional boundary lines, and I thought my answers to their KAH-RAZY questions were pretty darn good. *melodramatic groan* So where did I go wrong?
In light of all that, I’m thinking maybe I should go to my next interview dressed for slopping hogs (complete with dirt-smudged face), put one leg over the arm of the chair, light up a cigarette, hack up a lung (since I don’t smoke that'll be easy), and pull a bottle of JD wrapped in a paper bag out of my purse, offer them a swig, take a hefty gulp myself, wince as it goes down, then slam my hand on the table and say, “Whoo! That's the ticket! Now let’s talk turkey!” Since I’m obviously an orphan from the planet Htrae, maybe this is what it will take to land me a job. Ya’ think?

*Htrae is a fictional planet in the DC Comics Universe. The planet Htrae (“Earth” spelled backwards) is also affectionately known to Superman fans as Bizarro World.

The beginning of the end...

...or just the beginning? It depends on your perspective. Personally, mine changes by the hour.

My whole world came crashing down on December 13, 2010. That was the night the love of my life, my husband of 18 years, told me he wanted a divorce. He had intended to wait until after Christmas to tell me, but I knew something was wrong and I pressed him to tell me what it was. So needless to say, Christmas sucked big time this year. This was made (much!) worse by the fact that we mistakenly chose that day to tell our son. We decided to do it that day because we don't see him very often (he lives an hour away and spends his waking hours either at work or with his girlfriend) and we knew we'd have some time alone with him. Plus we were getting antsy. We didn’t want to take the chance that the news would somehow make its way back to him before we could tell him ourselves, so we hadn't told anyone else. Keeping this under our hats for two weeks, especially during Christmas season with all the family gatherings, etc., was especially difficult for me. Knowing that this was the last Christmas I’d spend with Frank’s family just about killed me. Looking back, I don’t know how the heck I kept myself together. I really needed to talk to some friends and family to get some support. Still… telling our son on Christmas Day? Egad! What were we thinking?! *sigh*  Contrary to popular belief, parents do make bad decisions sometimes. That was definitely one of our worst.  

To the outside observer it may look like he wants a divorce just to get a divorce, but that’s not the case. I play a large part in his reasons for wanting one and take full responsibility for that part. And although it’s ancient history between us, the fall-out from the past has been affecting him/us for a long time. I don’t feel comfortable delving too deeply into his reasons here because they are his reasons, and his (deeply) personal thoughts shouldn’t be fodder for my blog. I’m very grateful to be able to say though that there's no one else. (thank you, God!) There's no infidelity on either of our parts and there never has been. Just a plain old, run-of-the-mill, garden variety divorce is difficult enough thankyouverymuch. Let's suffice it to say that he doesn’t love me. He says it's not my fault. I haven't done anything horrible to him and I'm not an awful person to live with. We actually laugh together a lot. He loves me very much as a friend - we're best friends in fact (he'll tell you the same thing) - but that's as far as it goes. He doesn’t love me the way a husband should love his wife. His feelings for me are more brotherly than anything. (which is, of course, exactly what a woman loves to hear from her husband – good grief!) I am, however, head over heels in love with him. So, yeah. Mucho pain here. Crazy as it may sound though, I wouldn't be able to get through this without him. He's been my closest friend and most trusted confidante for almost 20 years, and even though he’s technically the cause of my pain, he’s also been a really good friend through all of this. I am slowly learning to turn to others and to God for my primary sources of support and  encouragement, but it's tough to break a habit many years in the making in just a few months. Turning to Frank when I feel bad about something, have a problem and need some advice, or just need a hug is as natural to me as breathing. Changing how I think and act on that score is going to take a while, I think.

That's made a bit more difficult by the fact that we're still living together. Yep. He told me in December and here it is 4 months later and we're still living together. (so it's a darned good thing we get along so well!) Neither of us has the $$ to move out just yet. I am searching high and low for a job I can do that will pay me enough to live on so I can save for a couple of months, get an apartment and move out, and for the time being he has a mortgage and mortgage-sized bills to pay. I haven't worked outside our home for a l-o-n-g time, so although I'm fairly intelligent, it's become practically a full time (difficult, frustrating) job in and of itself trying to convince people who don’t know how intelligent I am and how hard I’d work to be successful at my job, to want to take up their valuable time and energy even interviewing me when there are so many other more qualified people that are out of work. But I'm not giving up. Somewhere out there is a bank that needs a Lauren-rific teller, or an office that needs an organized, brown eyed, warm, friendly receptionist (bonus points if it's a Vet's office!), or even (from my lips to God's ears!) a periodical of some sort that can use someone of my particular writing, er... talents. However, although we do get along well and are doing what we can to make the best of an uncomfortable situation, it's not easy on either of us. If you're of the praying type, prayers for a good job for me (quickly!) would be very much appreciated.

We're filing an uncontested divorce together. I'm not going to fight him. What would be the point in that? I know him well enough to know that he thinks things through long and hard before making a decision. Especially given that he knew full well how incredibly difficult this would be emotionally and financially, I know it’s not one he made lightly or on the spur of the moment. Fighting about it certainly wouldn't endear us to each other, and it sure as heck wouldn’t change his mind. So the only other reason to fight him would be spite, but I just don't have it in me to do something like that to him. I love him. Being spiteful is no way to say, "Hey babe, I don't want a divorce - I love you!" He knows how much I love him though, so it's been really hard for him to hurt me like this. I know many people won’t have any sympathy for him, and that’s fine. For them. I am not anyone else. I’m me. And this ‘me’ feels VERY strongly about the course of action I’ve chosen, which is, in essence, to do my part to make sure this is as painless as possible for both of us.

I am going to counseling, as well as doing everything I can to surround myself with people who believe in, support, encourage and just generally love me, so as to give myself good, solid emotional resources instead of drinking my way through this, which, I'll be honest, held a not terribly small amount of appeal in the beginning. The knowledge that if I postpone dealing with my feelings in the present means that I’ll still have to deal with them down the road, plays into my keeping aqua vitae at arm’s length when I’m going through a particularly bad time. (I discovered fairly quickly that numbing one’s feelings with alcohol is equivalent to temporarily placing them in a cryogenic freezer – when they thaw out they’ll still be alive, vital, and ready to kick one’s collective butt) Plus too much alcohol is fattening and renders optimum brain function fairly useless. As Dean Wormer from Animal House articulated so well, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

I know I still have some bad days/hours/moments ahead of me, but I'm really hoping and praying that the worst of them are behind me. Every day that light at the end of the tunnel is starting to look just a teensy bit brighter. You know what though? It's true what they say: "Adversity does teach who your real friends are." -- Lois McMaster Bujold.  So to all of my real friends out there, thank you. I am more grateful than I can begin to express for each and every one of you.

               Tá grá agam duit.  ("I love you" in Irish)