Thursday, December 08, 2011

Blah, blah, blah... writing.

"There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."   -- Walter Wellesley
Writing has been very difficult – next to impossible really – for the past several months. What used to be a joy, something that came naturally and that I needed to do (akin to breathing), has become tedious – something I force myself to do lest I forget how much I’ve always loved doing it. I sit and look at a blank page or screen, once filled with such promise, and now get absolutely nothing. While every writer experiences writer’s block at some point in their lives, this degree of ‘blockage’ has never happened to me before – and for such an extended length of time. Writing has always been an outlet for me. Whether I’m angry, sad, happy, or somewhere in between all three – I write. I’ve been doing this since I was about 9 years old, so not being able to do it is more frustrating and heartbreaking than I can begin tell you.  This forced separation from my husband has me feeling like I’ve had a limb ripped off, and my inability to write my way through it makes me feel as though I’ve lost another one.
Exasperated, I finally said something about this problem to my writer’s workshop teacher, and he told me to write for 10 minutes a day. Could be anything, he said. A letter to my soon-to-be-former husband (which I never have to send), a letter to God, a description of how much I hate it when my writing teacher emails me and gets on my butt about writing.… anything. Just be present. So after weighing my options I decided to pick up this blog again. And what better way to start than by writing about my inability to write?
The funny thing is (and I’m so amazed that I can find something funny in anything these days but, miracle of miracles, my sense of humor seems to have remained fairly intact) I really have a lot to say. So many thoughts pass through my head clearly enough, but when I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and try to retrieve them, it’s like reaching blindly into the bottom of a deep, dark hole in a giant, old tree. You never know what you’ll come out with (if you come out with anything at all).
The can’t-write-to-save-my-life affliction aside, I’ve neglected this blog for the last several months because when I created it I really wanted to be able to capture the lighter side of this new journey I’m on. But although God has been blessing my socks off every time I turn around, the sad fact of the matter is that no matter how friendly things may be between me and my soon-to-be former husband, reality has set in hard and there really hasn’t been very much lighter side to write about.
There’s a saying that it’s always darkest before the dawn. If so, my sunrise must be very close. (I hope! I hope!) Ah, another miracle - I still have hope. Hope for my future. But I’ll get to that at a later date.
In the interest of ending this on a more positive note, I have to say that in spite of the fact that this is the most excruciating thing I’ve ever endured (and much to my surprise, I am enduring!) there are definite bright spots.
So I’m going to start a list of these bright spots (which I will add to as the Spirit moves me) and when I’m stuck for something to write about I’ll just pick one and write about it.

My Bright Spots (after numbers 1 and 2, the rest are in no particular order):
1)      I now have a closer, stronger relationship with God than I ever thought possible.
2)      I have been blessed with peace which surpasses all understanding in the midst of more soul shredding anguish than one person should ever have to experience.
3)      I get occasional brief glimpses of the (albeit dim at the moment) light at the end of the tunnel, so I know it is there – somewhere.
4)      Kevin & Jill, Mom, Gretchen, Justen & Susan, Kim & Daddy, and the rest of my family.
5)      Debbie, Eileen & Steve, Mike & Sue, Denise, Fran, and Margaret & Glenn – the family of my heart.
6)      Judy, Bruce, Susan, Danielle, Lynne, and the rest of my Divorce Care group.
7)      My job at the College and all of the wonderful people I work with.
8)      Sandi & Tim and the rest of the Gunderclan, Brian & Sandi, Feather, Kare Bear, Andy (girls, we need to come up with a good nickname for Andy!), Tootsie-pop, Nathan & Trish, Diana & InQ, Casey, Lisa S, Draco & Perseus, Meg, Kathy, Colleen, Denise L, Lisa C, Sonya, Sharon, Noreen,  Diane and Kat & Jazz, Sue Drew, and Manny (Taco! Taco!) - among others. 
9)      Pastor Tom Curtis and everyone that goes to Holden Chapel – my church family means everything to me.
10)   Barbara, my therapist.
11)   Nick Soutter, my teacher at the writers workshop I attend.
12)   The Worcester Animal Rescue League and all of the awesome people I’ve met there, but especially the pooches that fill a dog-sized hole in my life.
13)   My apartment – while small and not without its challenges, it’s also safe, cozy, and starting to feel like home.
14)   The members of Frank’s family who have left the door open to a relationship with me when I feel like I’m (emotionally) ready.

This is by no means a complete list, so I will add to it from time to time as things come to mind.

 “I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.  -- Oscar Wilde

All of this to say “I’m back!” and plan to update on a regular basis. I’m not going to lock myself into a box as far as the kind of entries I’ll post however. I’m just going to be honest about where I’m at. I may be feeling silly, serious, lifted so high I have to look down to see Heaven, or lower than the underbelly of a rattlesnake… I’m just going to be real. If you’re open to that, you’re welcome to follow me on my journey to healing.
Blessings to you!


  1. Glad to read an update :) And thanks for adding me to your list of blessings!! *hugs* I'm so happy that you have an incredible job where you're appreciated and respected. An incredible job can make so many things even that much better. I am blessed to have one of those too :D

  2. I'm glad you have such a good job too. You're right - it makes a HUGE difference. I can't even begin to guess where I'd be emotionally if I worked somewhere that I was miserable. And you'll always be one of my blessings. :) xo