Sunday, September 02, 2012

Dumping the Baggage


Emotional baggage - we all carry it, and some of us carry significantly more than others. I’m learning that the baggage isn’t just about the negative events or circumstances that happened to us in our pasts, but it’s also about how the things that happened affected us, how we reacted to them, and how our beliefs and feelings about ourselves were shaped as a result.

God has begun healing me of emotional baggage I’ve been carrying with me since I was a child. 

Two weeks ago, sitting outside on a bench near the playground after church with a sister in Christ who lead me through a short time of focused prayer, God healed me of the pain of a lifetime of rejection and all the (extreme) people pleasing tendencies that go along with it (out of a fear of being rejected further). 

It was an overcast day, yet sitting there praying with my eyes closed, as I opened myself up to the Lord and felt Him wash right through me like a gentle wave, touching, healing, and completely dissolving the rejection that has plagued me for as long as I can remember, I distinctly saw the round, gold-to-orange glow of the sun through my closed eyelids as it pushed its way out through the clouds and I felt the warmth of the sun’s rays on my skin. I thought, “Yay! The sun's out!” Then I opened my eyes to see the same grey, overcast sky overhead. The sun had come out just for me. ("This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." John 1:5)

For someone who has experienced one rejection after another after another throughout my 44 years, I can’t even begin to tell you how unbelievably special it made me feel that God would do that just for me as a sign of His acceptance. ("You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16) 

Not only does He accept me (and not reject me), but He actually chose me! 

Then late this afternoon, battling a Fibromyalgia flare-up, I finally gave in to my exhaustion and lay down to take a nap. I’ve been praying a lot lately about my life in general, asking God to show me things inside that need to be dealt with and to change me where I need to be changed – especially in light of unhealthy attitudes and behaviors that contributed to my part of the alienation of my husband's feelings toward me. As I woke up, I heard these words, “I love you with an everlasting love.” Without even needing to ask Him what He meant, He showed me that due to various events in my life starting when I was very young, and how I reacted to and processed those events, I had come to the conclusion deep down inside that I was unlovable. So my attitude and behavior throughout my life reflected that belief, ultimately driving away some of the very people I wanted to remain close to - especially my husband. And once that realization hit me, God spoke to my heart again. “You are NOT unlovable. That is a lie. I love you with an everlasting love.

I know that God isn't finished with me, however in the last two weeks God has healed me, I believe, of two of the most painful areas in my life and I have been able to dump a couple of the heaviest pieces of baggage I was carrying as a result. I am stronger and healthier, both spiritually and emotionally, right now than I have ever been in my life. My heart is positively overflowing with gratitude. God is so amazing! 

It really kind of blows my mind to think about - the Creator of the universe, Maker of heaven and Earth, Omnipotent, Sovereign, and Almighty God, King of Kings and Lord of Lords loves me with an everlasting love.

Me.

Wow.

I am not unlovable.

I am, in fact, deeply loved. ("For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38-39)


And I know that not only am I loved, I am worthy of being loved. Nothing I have done makes me worthy of this though. (“There is no one righteous, not even one… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3: 10, 23

I am worthy because I am His. (“This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.” Romans 3:22)

Thank you, Jesus.

I love you too.