My whole world came crashing down on December 13, 2010. That was the night the love of my life, my husband of 18 years, told me he wanted a divorce. He had intended to wait until after Christmas to tell me, but I knew something was wrong and I pressed him to tell me what it was. So needless to say, Christmas sucked big time this year. This was made (much!) worse by the fact that we mistakenly chose that day to tell our son. We decided to do it that day because we don't see him very often (he lives an hour away and spends his waking hours either at work or with his girlfriend) and we knew we'd have some time alone with him. Plus we were getting antsy. We didn’t want to take the chance that the news would somehow make its way back to him before we could tell him ourselves, so we hadn't told anyone else. Keeping this under our hats for two weeks, especially during Christmas season with all the family gatherings, etc., was especially difficult for me. Knowing that this was the last Christmas I’d spend with Frank’s family just about killed me. Looking back, I don’t know how the heck I kept myself together. I really needed to talk to some friends and family to get some support. Still… telling our son on Christmas Day? Egad! What were we thinking?! *sigh* Contrary to popular belief, parents do make bad decisions sometimes. That was definitely one of our worst.
To the outside observer it may look like he wants a divorce just to get a divorce, but that’s not the case. I play a large part in his reasons for wanting one and take full responsibility for that part. And although it’s ancient history between us, the fall-out from the past has been affecting him/us for a long time. I don’t feel comfortable delving too deeply into his reasons here because they are his reasons, and his (deeply) personal thoughts shouldn’t be fodder for my blog. I’m very grateful to be able to say though that there's no one else. (thank you, God!) There's no infidelity on either of our parts and there never has been. Just a plain old, run-of-the-mill, garden variety divorce is difficult enough thankyouverymuch. Let's suffice it to say that he doesn’t love me. He says it's not my fault. I haven't done anything horrible to him and I'm not an awful person to live with. We actually laugh together a lot. He loves me very much as a friend - we're best friends in fact (he'll tell you the same thing) - but that's as far as it goes. He doesn’t love me the way a husband should love his wife. His feelings for me are more brotherly than anything. (which is, of course, exactly what a woman loves to hear from her husband – good grief!) I am, however, head over heels in love with him. So, yeah. Mucho pain here. Crazy as it may sound though, I wouldn't be able to get through this without him. He's been my closest friend and most trusted confidante for almost 20 years, and even though he’s technically the cause of my pain, he’s also been a really good friend through all of this. I am slowly learning to turn to others and to God for my primary sources of support and encouragement, but it's tough to break a habit many years in the making in just a few months. Turning to Frank when I feel bad about something, have a problem and need some advice, or just need a hug is as natural to me as breathing. Changing how I think and act on that score is going to take a while, I think.
That's made a bit more difficult by the fact that we're still living together. Yep. He told me in December and here it is 4 months later and we're still living together. (so it's a darned good thing we get along so well!) Neither of us has the $$ to move out just yet. I am searching high and low for a job I can do that will pay me enough to live on so I can save for a couple of months, get an apartment and move out, and for the time being he has a mortgage and mortgage-sized bills to pay. I haven't worked outside our home for a l-o-n-g time, so although I'm fairly intelligent, it's become practically a full time (difficult, frustrating) job in and of itself trying to convince people who don’t know how intelligent I am and how hard I’d work to be successful at my job, to want to take up their valuable time and energy even interviewing me when there are so many other more qualified people that are out of work. But I'm not giving up. Somewhere out there is a bank that needs a Lauren-rific teller, or an office that needs an organized, brown eyed, warm, friendly receptionist (bonus points if it's a Vet's office!), or even (from my lips to God's ears!) a periodical of some sort that can use someone of my particular writing, er... talents. However, although we do get along well and are doing what we can to make the best of an uncomfortable situation, it's not easy on either of us. If you're of the praying type, prayers for a good job for me (quickly!) would be very much appreciated.
We're filing an uncontested divorce together. I'm not going to fight him. What would be the point in that? I know him well enough to know that he thinks things through long and hard before making a decision. Especially given that he knew full well how incredibly difficult this would be emotionally and financially, I know it’s not one he made lightly or on the spur of the moment. Fighting about it certainly wouldn't endear us to each other, and it sure as heck wouldn’t change his mind. So the only other reason to fight him would be spite, but I just don't have it in me to do something like that to him. I love him. Being spiteful is no way to say, "Hey babe, I don't want a divorce - I love you!" He knows how much I love him though, so it's been really hard for him to hurt me like this. I know many people won’t have any sympathy for him, and that’s fine. For them. I am not anyone else. I’m me. And this ‘me’ feels VERY strongly about the course of action I’ve chosen, which is, in essence, to do my part to make sure this is as painless as possible for both of us.
I am going to counseling, as well as doing everything I can to surround myself with people who believe in, support, encourage and just generally love me, so as to give myself good, solid emotional resources instead of drinking my way through this, which, I'll be honest, held a not terribly small amount of appeal in the beginning. The knowledge that if I postpone dealing with my feelings in the present means that I’ll still have to deal with them down the road, plays into my keeping aqua vitae at arm’s length when I’m going through a particularly bad time. (I discovered fairly quickly that numbing one’s feelings with alcohol is equivalent to temporarily placing them in a cryogenic freezer – when they thaw out they’ll still be alive, vital, and ready to kick one’s collective butt) Plus too much alcohol is fattening and renders optimum brain function fairly useless. As Dean Wormer from Animal House articulated so well, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
I know I still have some bad days/hours/moments ahead of me, but I'm really hoping and praying that the worst of them are behind me. Every day that light at the end of the tunnel is starting to look just a teensy bit brighter. You know what though? It's true what they say: "Adversity does teach who your real friends are." -- Lois McMaster Bujold. So to all of my real friends out there, thank you. I am more grateful than I can begin to express for each and every one of you.
Tá grá agam duit. ("I love you" in Irish)
No comments:
Post a Comment