I know I haven't posted for several months, but honestly I've either been too busy, too tired, or too sad to be able to focus on my blog. I've been keeping a paper journal for most of the time though. Having a record of my spiritual/emotional growth is important to me. I've turned a few big-ish emotional corners recently though so I finally decided that I'm ready to pick this up again because it will give family and friends I don't see or talk to all that often a way to check in on me to see how I'm doing, and I so can (figuratively) shout from the cyberspace rooftops about all the exciting ways God is working in my life.
While the saying, "when God closes a door, He opens a window" isn't biblical in and of itself, after 24 years as a believer, I have seen it proven true in the lives of those who earnestly seek Him over and over - and now I'm seeing it manifested in my own life as well. From everything I can tell from my own experience, the experiences of others, as well as what I've read in the bible, when we pray for something, it seems that God answers in one of three ways: "yes", "no", or "wait." And while the "yes" answer doesn't really call for any elaboration, I think the "no", and "wait" answers could stand a bit more detail.
You see, the way I figure it, the thing I had to decide up front is whether or not I trust Him. In everything. Every. Thing. Because if I do trust Him, I mean REALLY trust Him, then when He says "no" to something I really want (or "wait" - which could mean waiting for days, weeks, months or even many years for an answer), whether it's a pair of concert tickets, a car, a house, a particular job, physical healing for me or someone else - or in this case restoration of my marriage - even though my feelings may range anywhere from disappointment to honest-to-goodness grief if I don't get the answer I hope and pray for, I have decided that although I may not understand the 'why' of it right now (or ever), I'm going to continue to love, trust, and serve Him with all of my heart regardless. In my opinion, that's part of the whole "faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see" thing. (Hebrews 11:1) Because as a believer one thing I know I should always be sure of is that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23)
I know people who have encouraged others going through dark times, "hang in there! God's got your back!" and the people going through the trials have grumbled back, "well that's easy for you to say, you're not homeless/jobless/fighting cancer/in the process of a divorce..." etc. If you're going through a trial of any kind, let me encourage you as one who did NOT get what I prayed (begged!) God for. My divorce went through in May and my husband and I are now living separate lives. A year ago I wanted (very badly) to die. I would cry myself to sleep most nights begging God to please, please, please just take me Home to be with him. I honestly did not want to be here anymore.
A scant year later, I am a different person. Not only do I want very much to live, I want to live for Him - to bring Him glory. I want to live so He can use me to love others that are hurting. I want to live so He can use me to show the world that God does exist and that He loves us all very much. In completely surrendering every facet of my life to Him, I have found freedom: freedom from worry - "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:25-27); freedom from anxiety - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6); and freedom from fear - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:18-19)
Not only am I free from some of the more destructive things that used to plague me, but I have found peace - "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians. 4:7); contentment - "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13); and love - "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 4: 1-8) I am free of the need to worry, be anxious, and give in to fear because I lean on and trust God. In return I have been blessed with His peace, contentment, and overwhelming love.
I am happy. More than that, I am filled with JOY. Given that 19 months ago I was certain I'd never be happy again, that is nothing short of miraculous to me. For the first time in my life, my happiness doesn't depend on my marital status, how many friends I have, whether or not anyone is upset with me or approves of me, or any other circumstance in my life. I made a choice to be happy simply because I am His.
I made a sign for my bedroom door. It says, "I am a princess. My Father is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords." After months of reading that reminder every day, it has finally sunken in. I didn't feel great about myself at the time anyway, but when my husband chose to end our marriage it shattered what little remained of my self-worth - I didn't feel like I was worth the dirt an earthworm crawls through. But as I said in an earlier post, my Daddy God has shown me that I am worth dying for. God has taken those shattered pieces of me and he is making an exquisitely beautiful mosaic. I am His princess.
Circling back around to the topic I introduced at the beginning, when God closes a door in the life of a believer, He opens a window. I believe this with all of my heart. I am the oldest of three kids. One thing I always wanted since I was a kid was to have a big brother. (One would have sufficed, but more than one would have been even better. Growing up with an abusive step-father I dreamed about having someone to look out for me and protect me if necessary.) Frank is part of a large Italian family, and Italian families are generally very close-knit. And when you marry into one, for better or worse, you're part of the family too. So between Frank's three brothers and quite a few cousins (who were very much like brothers to him because they were all raised together in an "it takes a village" sort of way), I had a whole bunch of 'brothers' to look out for me. I knew if I ever needed them, they'd be there. It was a wonderful feeling.
But when I lost my husband, I also lost his family. No one is mad at me or anything like that. To the best of my knowledge I am still on good terms with everyone. I've even gotten together with a brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and a few nieces and nephews in the last several months. But it's not the same. Even though Frank hasn't badmouthed me to them at all, they are his family after all. While I know most of them would be genuinely glad to see me, the relationships are different now. They're no longer my family to call on.
I was thinking about this a few days ago and I realized something. Little by little God has been filling those voids in my life. I do have brothers who care about me - at church, in my Divorce Care group, even at work... But they don't care about me because of who I'm married to, they care about me for me. I have brothers who would and do look out for me. I know brothers at church and at Divorce Care pray for me. When I needed someone to put my AC in my kitchen window in June I called my church office. Debby, the receptionist, called me back a few minutes later and told me one of our elders offered to come by when I got home from work to put it in for me. Dave did and I am so grateful! I needed a trustworthy place to bring my car for some things (oil changes, etc) where I could trust they wouldn't purposely damage my car so I'd have to bring it back for expensive repairs, and a few of the guys at work recommended a place down the street. I need a dentist who cares about his patients and won't leave me drowning in debt, and one of my brothers at work recommended the dentist he & his whole family go to. (Interestingly enough he gave me the information just today, and when I got home tonight I was suddenly very aware of a need to call the dentist - like, tomorrow. Hmmm... Was it a coincidence he gave me the information just when I needed it? Um, I don't think so!) And when I need some big-brotherly advice/wisdom, I now have more than one I can turn to about a plethora of things.
So bottom line - God has been hard at work in me over the last year+. He's removed negative things and replaced them with positive things. He's filled a void in my life that He didn't need to fill, but He did and now it's just one more thing I can point to and say, "see how my Daddy God loves and takes care of me?"
And you know what? He loves you just the same. Don't believe me? Ask Him to show you. If you're genuinely open, you'll see the evidence that He's really there and He loves you. His answer may not come in the way you expect, but if your desire is genuine, He WILL answer.
And now if you'll excuse me, Someone's at the window. :^)
Hot on the trail of God's will
And getting warmer still
Got it together this time around
There's nothing to stop you now
Stopped by the slam of a door
God, what'd You do that for?
Sometimes we just don't understand
How He wants to let us in
Chorus:
When God closes a door
Look for a window
Oh look for a window
Don't stand at the door
There might be a window
Oh look for a window
When your pathway comes to an end
It's time to begin to
Find a new road
Look for a window
Responsibilities change
And so do our pathways
One way God shows which way to go
Is to let the old road close
Repeat Chorus
There's no point
In getting down on yourself
God is only pointing you somewhere else
